Updated: Jan 9, 2018
I remember the day like it was yesterday, but at 27 years old, we are talking more than 20 years ago! Many times in my life I have been out of balance, trying desperately to take from one area and give to another in the hopes of staying even, afloat or just OK!
This time might have been the worst, so I figured I would start here! I realized I was not taking care of myself, being consumed with taking care of my drug addicted ex husband and his 90 year old grandmother that had come to live with us! You see he wasn't always like this.......I would tell myself........he began selling drugs behind my back to support his own habit. I was so busy giving emotionally, physically and financially that I didn't see the whole picture. I ignored what was happening for self preservation I guess!
The parties, the strangers coming over for 5 minutes, the missing money from his multi-million dollar business! He lost it all, spent it all, started from nothing and ending with nothing! It all came crashing down when one of his "friends" attacked me. The physical punch in the face, was the wake up call (ok 4 wake up calls) that I needed to realize that after 3 years of living this messed up life, of pain, hurt, anger trying to get him sober, that it just wasn't gonna happen.
I had lost myself! My diet, exercise and friendships all suffered, or disappeared! I had stopped the clean eating, exercise, mountain biking, snowboarding, surfing and was becoming someone I didn't recognize! My parents stopped talking to me, because I didn't leave immediately after the attack! They didn't believe my husband hadn't done this to me! Neither did the hospital! Driving myself to the ER alone, bleeding, swollen with a broken jaw, busted lip, broken teeth........what nurse or DR would believe that, this drug addicted, scary looking guy who came in looking for me........that he wasn't my attacker! Looking back I don't believe it myself!
I had come off the balance of life that keeps us healthy. The balance of normal everyday living. This world I was in was not familiar or someplace I wanted to be, but yet I stayed for 3 more months. The scars had healed physically, but emotionally I was broken! Defeated!
Balance can swing from one side of the seesaw to the other, but when we spend a long time tilted away from the center that's familiar and comfortable, we loose that magical part of ourselves, that intuition for what to eat, how to move and our own self-care. I am thankful I was able to weave my way bak to balance, self-care and self-esteem. This broken part of me knowing deep down I wanted ME back! So teeny tiny step by step I got back to me. It started with food and sleep. Getting those back in sync, the brain fog and lack of energy started to fade. The fear started to subside, and the powerful woman I knew was under there was able to find the strength, to remove the ex from my house, send the grandmother back with her family, work a side job, sell my car to pay for credit card bills (that's a whole story of 80,000 I didn't spend)
The force, determination and power when a woman makes up her mind and says "NO MORE" "today I've had enough and I choose me" That day came for me at my best friends wedding........my ex tried to come to the reception..........Oh hell no.......I still remember the feeling of making him leave, of standing in my truth! Most of all having my parents watch and be so proud that I finally woke up!
I tell this story because many who know me now, could never imagine me taking crap like that, or being involved in drama like that! So I am letting you in to show you that even though you don't feel strong now, you can be! How will you choose you? In the big moments or in those micro moments....... in those tiny moments is where resilience grows. Those small wins fuel the fire, take the practice for the big moments of strength! Build the resilience in those little moments! Like your BFF's wedding!
I am so very grateful for all those little moments, even though painful, made me who I am today! Fearless, warrior, take no crap, goddess of self-care! The woman Suzanne